I need to vent.
I am over you, correction I am still getting over you and it’s taking as long as we were “together” to forget  that we were never together and that’s why it ended. But what ended if we didn’t have anything? It was meaningless sex”, then it was an open relationship then we were broken up? It’s like, I’m confused, but I want to be because it means I don’t have to stop thinking about you and accept the fact that you’re out there with them having lots of fun and I’m here alone because I can’t bring myself to jump on any dude’s dick just to get off yours.
I wish I knew what you felt last year. I could have sworn there was something real. You said there was. Remember when you told me not to throw away what we have over what my friends thought? Remember how you told me that the other girls meant nothing to you and I was the one, that I shouldn’t feel like the rest of them because I was yours?  Was that a lie? I never knew you to be so cruel. I was 17 and ye, I know I’m not that inexperienced in the bedroom but you knew that you were the first person I’d ever slept with… in your arms. I didn’t think anyone could hold me like that if they didn’t care.
That’s why it’s so hard for me to accept. I know you must still like me to some extent but I also know that you’re never gonna let me see that side of you again. You’re hiding from me. You want to remain the Oscar that I fell in love with, well, I won’t change that, I didn’t. But maybe you stopped me before I did. And if I would have would it have been so bad? Would you have been unhappy with me and just me and saying I love you? Would it have been so different from what we had last year? When we substituted love for “care” and before that care for “like?” It doesn’t make any sense why when things were going so well it was you who decided to cut off everything, completely.
You messaged me on Facebook. Told me to call you as that would be goodbye, then you didn’t even give me an explanation really. That was it. You were gone. I was 17, I didn’t know what to do. I’m 18 and I still don’t, obviously. You cut me off cold turkey like a dropped Metro PCS call. I felt worse than all the other girls you were apparently just fucking, because you were still fucking them. They obviously were more important than me, despite what you said or how you acted. Actions do speak louder than words and this was your final.
I kept thinking and hoping that you were scared of your feelings for me. I can’t say that the hope still hasn’t gone. It’s just not like you to speak to me the way you have been. If you’re going to ignore me then why answer my calls? If you’re going to answer my calls why say practically nothing at all as if you hate me? I don’t know how men think. I don’t know what this means. Or perhaps I do, perhaps I know exactly what you’re doing and why but I’d just like to feign as though I do not… simply because I cam say this a million times over in my sleep, “Oscar, Oscar..” and for a night I can just say your name. Then in the morning I’ll be faced with, “Where are you?”
But at least I’ll have the night.
Wow, Oscar.